I am different. Who I am today is a result of who I was, the choices I've made, and the choices of others. Life experiences. They can either bring you closer to God, put you in idle mode, or shove you in the other direction.. which is far from God. I've been to all 3. Right now I feel like I am currently in idle mode with a deep desire to move forward closer to my Father in heaven. I am a survivor of rape and sexual abuse. From the time I was an infant until I was a young adult. About 19 or 20 years old, that was my last encounter. Some may ask how is that possible? I don't know, but I know it is because I have experienced it. I have lived it. I have endured it. I've had different sexual abuse experiences from a variety of different people. Some of the reasons I believe I was targeted were curiosity of some, others were pedophiles, others saw me as an easy target because I didn't understand that sexual activity at a young age was wrong .. I trusted easily, one of them was under the influence of drugs, I had boyfriends who were involved in heavy pornography who treated me as an item for self pleasure. I learned sexual behaviors at an extremely young age, and because I was so young I thought that behavior was normal. Normal! I do not hate the people who have hurt me. I forgive them and some of them I love dearly. And to this day I put there names in the Temple that they may receive the blessings of God and change their lives for the better. They too are children of God just as I am. Being a survivor of sexual abuse has affected my life. I've had years of counseling. it helped. I was told I was hypersexualized at a young age by a counselor a few years back. to this day what has happened to me still affects my life. My family life. My social life. Often times I feel alone and embarrassed because of how different I am from others or because of my behaviors/personality. I had an experience the other day where I posted something inappropriate and sacred on Facebook, however I did not see it that way, I thought it was funny. Someone close to me, who I admire greatly for speaking up for what is right, got my attention. At first I was so confused and embarrassed and hurt because I didn't see what was wrong with my post. She simply stated intimacy is sacred its personal and its inappropriate to share on Facebook. I had a hard time grasping this until I prayed and asked for help. God answered my prayer and I was able to communicate more with this friend of mine. She helped me see something so simple yet difficult for me to understand. How grateful I am for that experience for opening my eyes once again. Its amazing and sad how sexual abuse can affect you. For me, when I think of intimacy between husband and wife, I have a difficult time seeing it as sacred because of the damage I encountered and the extreme confusion that took a hold of me. I know it is sacred. But its hard for me to see that too. My husband treats me with such respect and love and patience. He is gentle understanding non-judgmental and so forgiving. How grateful I am to be blessed with such a dear friend, my husband. I hope that this post helps those who also battle the life of being a survivor of sexual abuse may receive answers or comfort. Or for those who are acquainted with sexual abuse victims that you may have a better understanding of that person.
